Facts about Deadpool
by Captain Deadpool
Summary: These are parodies of some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts. Don't worry: I did alot more than just replace Chuck Norris with Deadpool for most of them.
1. Chapter 1

Deadpool Facts:

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from bulls, but the bulls are only chasing them because Deadpool put red dye in all of their shampoos this morning.

Deadpool sleeps on an adamantium bed because titanium was just too soft.

Crop circles are Deadpool's way of freaking conspiracy nuts out.

Deadpool is over six feet tall, weighs two hundred twenty pounds, and can tell Wolverine to fuck off while patting the top of his head and rubbing his stomach.

They built the Great Wall of China to tell Deadpool that he wasn't welcome there. He didn't take the hint.

Contrary to popular belief, Deadpool, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: bloating, constipation, and the strange feeling that they have just been on a late night talk show, and the host just didn't know when to shut up.

If he you ask Deadpool what time it is, he'll laugh at you.

Deadpool drives an ice cream truck with a machine gun on top.

When Deadpool sends in his taxes, he sends a box. This box contains an armed explosive that will detonate in ten seconds after they open the box. Like Deadpool would ever pay taxes.

Deadpool can win a game of connect four in one move, because he cheats.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of living creatures that Deadpool forgot to kill.

Deadpool once at a 72 oz. bag of cheese puffs in one hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes having sex with the girl behind the counter ON the counter.

Deadpool doesn't churn butter. He tells Spider-Man to do it by saying that "it's the right thing to do."

Deadpool doesn't wash his clothes. He makes Weasel do it by saying "if you don't, I'll kill you."

If you spell "Deadpool" in Scramble, you get the creepy feeling that someone is watching you.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Deadpool once, and he'll kick you in the crotch. If you're lucky.

Deadpool has two speeds: Talk and Kill.

Once someone asked Deadpool what was on his mind. Historians have recorded this as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Everyone has to die once. Unless your Deadpool, then you have to die five times at the very least.

Deadpool doesn't take showers, and he only baths if women and wine are involved.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Deadpool could use to kill you, including the room itself. Fortunately, no one has told Deadpool this.

Deadpool has to re-grow 2,000 body parts a year. If it's a slow year.

Deadpool has a recording of himself talking for two hours. He sold it to the interrogation squads of most major militaries for a hefty profit.

How much Deadpool could a Deadpool Deadpool if a Deadpool could Deadpool Deadpool? Deadpool.

Deadpool DOESN'T believe it's not butter.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Deadpool is worth one billion. Too bad none of them are worth much.

When Deadpool talks, nobody listens. They die.

Deadpool knows the exact location of Carmen SanDiego, and will sell the information to the highest bidder.

When taking the SAT, write "Deadpool" for every answer. You'll fail.

Deadpool invented black. In fact, he invented the whole spectrum of colors. Except for pink. Wolverine invented pink.

Chuck Norris and Deadpool walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that much awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Deadpool doesn't believe in the X-Men.

Some people wear Spider-Man pajamas. Spider-Man wears Deadpool pajamas.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own Deadpool, but if I did, three years from now if I asked you who Spider-Man was, you'd say "Spider-Who?"

Deadpool was once hired by a school to give a speech about why kids shouldn't drop out of school. When he got on stage, he talked about the positive effects of pornography in today's society and the different variations of yellow and orange you might find on both rubber duckies and dildos. Then he remembered why he was there, took his mask off, pointed to his face, and said, "This is why you should stay in school, you damned punks."

No one who heard this message even thought about dropping out of school ever again.

When Deadpool goes to McDonald's, he orders sushi. When they say they can't give him any, he tells them, he gives them more than their daily-recommended dose of bullets. When Deadpool wants raw fish wrapped in seaweed, he gets it or else.

Deadpool doesn't sleep- he procrastinates.

Deadpool makes Apple pay him 99 cents every minute he allows them to live.

If you have five dollars and Deadpool has five dollars, he'll steal your five dollars so that he has more money than you.

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Deadpool's computer. He ate it.

Some people can kill two birds with one stone, but Deadpool can kill twenty penguins with one shot.

Deadpool doesn't have blood. He is filled with bullshit.

Deadpool doesn't melt in your mouth or in your hand. Unless you happen to be Beatrice Arthur.

Deadpool is like a dog: He gets mud all over the carpet, annoys the neighbors, humps your leg and pisses where ever he wants to.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state explains consciousness. If you tell this to Deadpool, he'll shoot you for no reason at all.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Deadpool. You may not know what you're going to get, but you know it will be painful, and you'll laugh anyway.

Everything King Midas touches turns to gold. Everything Deadpool touches goes insane and dies in a suicidal rage.

Deadpool wipes his ass with Cyclops' secret stash of pornographic magazines.

They where going to release a Deadpool addition of clue, but the answer always turned out to be "Deadpool. In the library. With a knock-knock joke.

When Spider-Man read Deadpool's original series, he cried himself to sleep. The next day he went out as Peter Parker to burn as many of them as he could find, for fear that Deadpool would become more popular than Spider-Man. This is why they are so hard to find.

**You know it's true. I put another set of facts due to popular demand.**


End file.
